Now what? That's the question that the Orioles are faced with a day after axing Sammy Perlozzo. So we made a drastic change that has garnered unprecedented media coverage of the Orioles, and now we have to continue on. But what's the right course of action? What do we do now? Do we add, or subtract, or add by subtracting, or subtract by adding, in order to stop the division amongst the team and the fans? The situation is dire, and the organization is officially (and now very, very, very publicly) in shambles.
Last night on SportsCenter, the topic of Perlozzo's firing was sent to John Kruk for analysis. Said the Krukster, "The Baltimore Orioles are a mess!" To shine some light on that, Kruk is a former player who was notoriously overweight, smoked even as a professional athlete, and retired in the middle of a game. And he called us a mess. Oy. To paraphrase the rest of Kruk's comments, he said that if the Orioles called him and asked him to manage (which, he added, has never happened), there would be no amount of money that would entice him to do it. He said there needs to be full scale changes throughout the organization before any manager even has a chance to win with the team. And you know what? He's absolutely right.
In the spirit of John Kruk's expert analysis of the Orioles, I have compiled a list of people that need to go in order for the team to have a chance. Knowing that lead is a poisonous, lethal metal that serves no purpose other than as a weight, I present the 2007 Baltimore Orioles All-Lead Team:
- Dave Trembley: Obviously, Trembley isn't long for the managerial position, and he will soon be jettisoned. I know that I'm not even giving him a chance, but let's face it, Trembley is not going to be the answer, so let's just nip this one in the bud.
- Mike Flanagan/ Jim Duquette: The two-headed monster somehow only has half the baseball knowledge of an average fan. When deciding to spend $42 miiiiiiiiillion to overhaul the bullpen, these two clowns go out and sign Danys Baez. Baez was a castoff of the Devil Rays. Folks, when you're a pitcher, and the D-Rays don't want you, consider another career.
- Danys Baez: The aforementioned Baez is the cause of probably half of teams 40 losses. With a delivery that resembles a T-rex trying to throw and the field presence of Hellen Keller, Baez has been nothing but a cancer on the mound, and that's a pretty telling sign on this team.
- Jay Gibbons: After what seems like eternity with the team, I think it's about high time good ol' Clown Feet took his act to another circus. Unfortunately, the contract he signed two years ago has him being paid by the O's for another two years at least (I think), so we need to figure out if the cost he carries by being on the team outweighs the cost of not having him on the team.
- The Bullpen: There's only one person in the 'pen worth keeping, but it's easier to get rid of all of them than to keep Jamie Walker by himself.
- Daniel Cabrera: One of those high and mighty "Prospects". The problem is, you never know if you're gonna get Good Daniel or Bad Daniel, and that is very dangerous. Cabrera can throw in the high nineties, but can't see the strike zone, which is actually very dangerous, since his fastball could probably kill somebody. Plus, for all the potential he has, Dr. Jekyll could probably fetch some good talent in a trade.
- Terry Crowley: The hitters can't hit. He's the hitting coach. He's actually one of the only constants on the team since 1998, which is the year that all this crap started. Nuff said.
- Miguel Tejada: Once the savior, now he's just an old act who has fallen way out of favor with all the fans. Tejada can't field that well, barely runs out any groundball, and is not accepting the leadership role that he should be filling. Tejada can fetch some bones from a contender looking for a doubles hitter for the playoffs, so we can get some more young talent for him at the trade deadline, if it takes that long. It's sad to see Miggy go, because he played well for us for 4 years, but his time is up as an Oriole.
- Peter Angelos: What, did you think the All-Lead team would not have it's anchor? Angelos is the root of all the problems, so the obvious solution is to get rid of Angelos. The problem is that he is the only person in the franchise that we can't just "get rid off". His time with the team will be decided by himself. Unless, of course, we can get a little Divine Intervention. Angelos is 77 years old, which anybody will tell you is no spring chicken. So when you hit your knees tonight, send one up for the Big Man to help us out a little bit and rid us of the problem.
So there you have it, the All-Lead team. That's a lot of holes to fill. I actually have a solution for two of the holes, as well (at no extra charge). To fill Dave Trembley's spot, I said yesterday that Joe Girardi would be a nice fit. To fill the hopefully soon gone-but-not-missed Angelos, I propose two people: Cal Ripken (obviously), or Steve Bisciotti. Think about it: Steve owns the O's and the Ravens. Both become benchmarks for their respective leagues, and Baltimore is the hub of the sports world yet again. Then we can Believe in Steve all year round, instead of just in the fall.
Unfortunately, unless God can answer all of Baltimore's collective prayers, the O's will continue in their downward spiral. Hopefully they can drop Petey the Greek in Hell on the way down, since we're going through it already. I know it seems hopeless, Baltimore, but just remember: it's T minus 40 days until training camp!